Sabtu, 07 November 2009

THIS CRAZY THING CALLED: FAITH

As a residual control freak, I find it not easy being pregnant….first when I knew I’m having a baby I kinda wish I could repeat the process (of making a baby) all over again and make sure that everything went perfectly: me and hubby in good health, not eating any MSG stuff or coffee and doing it in sterile environment!

But there’s nothing I can do to undo what has happened right…so I just wish and pray that this baby turn well eventually. This is one of the downside of learning psychology especially clinical psychology….you get exposed by all kinds of pathologies! What if my baby developing any kind of deviance or abnormalities like autism or down syndrome?!?! Oh no….please God no…the more I try not to think about it the more I think about it!!!

My madness didn’t stop there….the first 3 months a mother barely can see or feel the baby inside her womb…is she really there? Sometimes even a modern USG check up can’t detect the baby during the first 2 months. I got all the nauseas and the fatigues but still doubt whether I was really carrying a baby or not…you know: seeing is believing right!!!

After the doctor and USG confirmed my pregnancy, a new anxiety starts: how do I know if the baby is alright and growing well? I don’t know whether my hormone changes coz a temporary madness (or dullness) in me but I even thought:”What if I accidentally “push” the baby out while I do my regular pup?” Wow my master degree seemed to be a joke at that time!

My concern and anxieties slowly disappeared when the my tummy grow larger and larger….and then the miracle happened for the first time: I felt the baby moving and kicking inside of me! Wow what an amazing feeling….there’s a new person, a full human being growing inside me! This little person can even interact with me and hubby, she responds when we sing a tune, pray, talk or “kick” her back!

It’s only around 6 months I get to be a mother but I realized that having a child in a world like this really takes this crazy thing called FAITH. You desperately need faith to go through pregnancy….yet alone to raise a child! I still worry day to day if the baby’s healthy and well and I don’t know for sure what she’ll turned out to be but I learn from this great journey that there’s nothing I can do about it except pray and surrender the rest. I still learn to let go my control and anxieties since it does nothing but takes my joy away….I wish that someday I have enough faith to believe that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him!